Golden Globes host Nikki Glaser’s most controversial jokes
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When Nikki Glaser takes the stage at the Golden Globes this weekend, Hollywood will be holding its breath. The 40-year-old Ohio-born stand-up comic has carved out a reputation as one of the most biting and sharp-witted comedians of our time with a string of appearances at celebrity roasts and her own stand-up specials.
Here are just some of Nikki Glaser’s most daring and controversial jokes:
On losing her virginity:
“I’m bad at sex. That’s what I’ve concluded. It’s fine, I’m okay with it, because I got a late start. I’m learning. I didn’t have sex until I was 21 because I was saving myself for Jesus, which luckily that was my gardener’s name. So that worked out. Yeah, I found a loophole in my dad’s rule.”
On Rob Lowe [who was involved in a sex tape scandal in 1988 aged 24 after filming himself having sex with two women, who were 22 and 16, in Atlanta. At the time, the age of consent in Georgia was 14 but the minimum age to be involved in such a recording was 18]:
“Rob defies age… restrictions.”
“You look like you’re sculpted… you put the statue in statutory rape.”
“I had such a crush on you when I was a little girl… if only I’d known that was when I had my best shot.”
On racism:
“I’m not racist. That’s not it. I’m actually one of these people, like I hate the n-word… who lives in my building. I think he’s a jerk, but I don’t have a problem with anyone else.”
On Tom Brady [whose ex-wife Gisele Bündchen is now in a relationship with jiu-jitsu instructor Joaquim Valente]:
“Tom Brady. Five-time Super Bowl MVP, most career wins, most career touchdowns. You have seven rings – well, eight, now that Gisele gave hers back. The only thing dumber than saying yes to this roast was when you said, ‘Hey babe, you should try jiu-jitsu.’”
On being called ‘ma’am’:
“Don’t call me ma’am… It happened at Starbucks. She was like, ‘Ma’am, can I get your name for your drink?’ I turned around like: ‘Where’s the deaf old b****?’ She was like: ‘No, ma’am, you.’ I was like: ‘Does she want to fight?’ Ma’am is rude! On the spectrum of things to call a woman, ma’am is slightly under c***. It’s a little bit nicer than c***. Not much. She could have been like: ‘Hey c*** can I get your name?’ I’d have been like: ‘You can just write c*** on the cup, that’s fun. I’ll know it’s me.’”
On Robert De Niro:
“I can’t even believe I get to share this stage with you tonight, Robert De Niro. And by this stage, I mean the final one of your life.”
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On Alec Baldwin:
“I wanna thank Alec. In his memoir, he bravely admitted that he had once considered suicide and I just wanna say I too have considered your suicide. I have some suggestions.”
On being allowed to make jokes about suicide because she’s a “future victim”:
“If I were to say right now, ‘Guys, I’m going to do some rape jokes,’ you might go, ‘Go back to the suicide stuff.’ But if I said, ‘But I can do these jokes, because I’ve been raped,’ you’d go, ‘Oh, thank God she was raped. OK, good. I thought she hadn’t been raped. Thank God she was brutally raped. Now I can relax. I was nervous before.’”
On Ann Coulter:
“Ann’s been called things like a racist, anti-Semitic, homophobic, a white supremacist — and that’s just while getting plowed by Bill Maher.”
The 2025 Golden Globes air on Sunday 5 January. Here’s how to watch
